This’ll be the Day that I Die: A Review of American Pie 7

I will always have a soft-spot for the American Pie movies. The first one came out in 1999 and, at the time, it was a welcome change from the relatively tame teen movies of that era. I thought it was hilarious. I’m not convinced all the humour would hold up today – however, I haven’t revisited it since the early 00s (well…I haven’t watched it again in its entirety – I’ll admit I’ve taken a few ganders at the Shannon Elizabeth webcam scene. Thank you Internet!). Since then it has spawned several sequels and countless knockoffs (e.g., see Eurotrip; see also human feces). I watched the first two sequels when they were released and enjoyed them both. For the life of me I cannot remember what happened in American Pie 2 (I only recall that Shannon Elizabeth’s ta-tas were conspicuously absent – that’s just bad casting. If I were the casting director I would have given them top-billing and called it American Pie 2: Nadia’s Breasts).

I do remember Part 3 because instead of calling it “American Wedding” it should have been called “American Stiffler.” That movie was 90 minutes of Sean William Scott spazzing out on screen. I actually thought it was quite funny and the writers really capitalized on the most popular character of the series. However, Part 3 was a huge turning point because several of the original cast bailed. And even though no one was exactly heartbroken that Mena Suvari jumped ship, the writing was on the wall. There would be no way they could sustain the franchise as the more accomplished cast members moved on. Let’s be honest – a few more movies down the line the writers would have been scratching their heads trying to figure out how to write a story with “Kevin” as the centerpiece. Poor Thomas Ian Nicholas! He went on to become arguably the least successful member of the original cast. But really, the dude was totally set-up to fail. He had the unfortunate task of trying to make the audience believe that Tara Reid wouldn’t give up her virginity. Tara Reid! She’s taken in more wieners than a shelter for abused dachshunds. Talk about your impossible roles. There hasn’t been a more challenging role since Carlos Mencia was cast as “Comedian #1” in the film 29 Palms.

Anyways, instead of trying to lure back the cast for huge sums, the producers went the route of direct-to-DVD versions. Clearly, this is the way to make money – take a popular film franchise and a shoestring budget, throw together a B-movie filled with no-name actors, and then profit enormously when hapless idiots in the video store see the words “American Pie” on a DVD cover and decide they HAVE to rent it. How do I know this is a lucrative strategy? Because there isn’t a “Part 7” of anything unless it’s making money. I was surprised to see that they’re up to Part 7 already. I heard that there was a Part 4 but when I found out that it was direct-to-DVD with none of the original cast, I ignored it and said to myself, “Well that’s the end of that.” Then I’m in the video store the other day and I see American Pie 7: The Book of Love. What?! Part 7? When did they make 5 and 6? I HAVE to rent this!

So I rented it. And here is my review (however, I’m already past my word count so I’ll keep this brief).

God help us.

Seriously, if you can take the script of a movie that was made 10 years earlier, switch a couple of words around and change the names of the characters, and pass it off as a completely different movie AND make money off it, may God have mercy on our souls.

That’s what American Pie 7 is. It’s American Pie (the original) with almost nothing changed. So what changed? Well (spoiler alert!), instead of an apple pie, the Jason Biggs-type character fucks a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As far as I can tell, that’s the only change they made. It must be tough to be a writer for these movies. I wonder what a writers meeting would look like…

We descend upon a meeting of writers and producers who are brainstorming for future installments of American Pie.

Studio Head: Alright team, we need some new ideas. As you know, each edition of this beloved franchise hinges on that ever-important scene when the horny teenaged male fucks a piece a food. So, my question to you – what other foods can you fuck?

Malone: A room temperature Pizza Pop!

Studio Head: Great work Malone! We’ve got American Pie 8: Cheese Please.

Parsons: The mouth of an unfinished Jack-O-Lantern.

Studio Head: Yes! American Pie 9: Trick or Treat?

Billings: A taco. A moist, soft, meaty taco.

Studio Head: Uhhhh, we’re getting a little too “on the nose” here fellas. But you’re on the right track Billings. I like your moxie. Next idea?

Garrison: Left-over shanghai noodles. You can have sexual intercourse with a container full of cold shanghai noodles.

Studio Head: Ooooh! A little Asian flavour. Me rikey! Okay, so that’s American Pie 10: The Great Wall of China. What else?

Peterson: A can of wet dog food?

Studio Head: (pauses, takes off glasses, a hush falls over the room) Peterson, get your sorry ass out of my meeting. GET OUT! You sick fuck. Take a week off and get some help. We’re making major motion pictures here, not smut films.

(Peterson cowers out of the room. Someone mentions something about a tube of cookie dough).

End scene.

Yeah, so that’s about it. The kid fucks a peanut butter sandwich instead of a pie. God help us all.

4 out of 5 stars


One Response to “This’ll be the Day that I Die: A Review of American Pie 7”

  1. Good post, thanks a lot!

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