Super Bowl XLIV – Let’s Make Some Money

Hi folks, Will “The Greek” here. As an expert on gambling, I’ve had many people approach me in the past week with the same question, “Who do you like in the Super Bowl, Doc?” (that’s what all my acquaintances call me – Doc). With the big game coming up on Sunday, everyone wants in on the action. It is estimated that over $8 billion is wagered on the Super Bowl each year. One might say that the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of sports betting. So that’s why they come to me: “Slick Willy.” C’mon folks, let’s make some money!

So as I mentioned, everyone is asking the same question, “Hey Doc Slick Willy The Greek, who do you like – the Saints or the Colts. Well let me tell you folks something – any moron can pick the winner of a football game. When betting on the point spread, it’s akin to flipping a coin. There’s no skill! That’s why I stick to prop bets – now that’s skill gambling. So disregard who’s going to win the game. No one cares. Here are my top five prop bet picks (all bets available at bodog.com).

1. What will be the result of the Super Bowl XLIV Coin Toss?
-Heads/Tails

"Oh shit, I be flipping a POG, not a coin. Lawls. Just joshing ya Dawgs!"

This is my sure thing. Here’s why: typically a newly minted American silver dollar is used for the coin toss. Scott Green will be this year’s Super Bowl referee and he’s known to flip coins in a high arc-low torque manner (yes, I do my research). We’re probably going to be looking at some moderate sea breezes coming in from the south end of Sun Life Stadium. You better believe that coin is going to land heads more often than not. I gotta hunch!

Bet heavy on HEADS (-105).

2. How long will it take Carrie Underwood to sing the National Anthem?
-Over/Under 1 minute 42 seconds.

"How the fuck are y'all Miami?"

Please, why don’t the sports books just hand out coupons for free money?! As we know, Underwood just became engaged to Ottawa Senators forward Mike Fisher. He’s Canadian and he’s a Christian. Also, according to her Wikipedia page, she is “a supporter of the Humane Society of the United States.” Seems pretty straightforward – she needs to get to church and save some animals. There ain’t much time for national pride with this one!

Back up the truck on UNDER 1:42 (-105).

3. What color will the Gatorade be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning super bowl team?
-Lime Green (8/1)
-Yellow (20/27)
-Orange (11/2)
-Red (10/1)
-Blue (25/2)
-Clear/Water (9/5)

"My most sordid fantasy coming true on a national stage! Oh wait, that's Gatorade."

This is just insulting. They might as well have a prop bet called, “Do people like money? Yes/No (-105).” (by the way, the answer would be “yes” because people like money). First of all, they list “water” at 1.8:1. Are they serious? What kind of self-respecting coach would allow water to be poured on them upon winning the Super Bowl? (“Okay guys, let’s go out there and play our game and we’re going to bring home the championship. Oh yeah, and one more thing – if we happen to win the game, could you guys dump the cooler full of water on me instead of the one with Gatorade. I just got this shirt and I don’t want to get all sticky.”) There’s nothing special about that. Why don’t they just flush the toilet when the coach is taking a shower after the game – same effect. If you want to win the Super Bowl you have to be prepared for a hair full of flavoured electrolytes. And Florida is where Gatorade is invented. You better believe they’re going to dump some homegrown product on the winning coach. So which colour? Well, what’s huge right now? Avatar, of course. Take the long shot and cash in!

Put your kid’s college tuition on BLUE (25/2).

4. How many times will CBS show Kim Kardashian on TV during the game?
-Over/Under 2.5

"You dropped something."

My jaw hit the floor when I saw this one. What are the bookmakers smoking? (by that I mean it appears they are using brain-altering substances because it is negatively affecting their judgement when setting the lines on prop bets). Seriously, Kim Kardashian might get more screen time than Reggie Bush. They’re offering other Kim Kardashian-related bets, such as “What color of top will she be wearing” (take ‘black’), and “If the New Orleans Saints win will Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush be engaged by July 31st 2010?” (take ‘who cares’). But your shoe-in is the number times they’ll show her.

Remortgage your house and put it all on OVER (-120).

5. During the half-time show, if any member of the Who smashes their guitar what does the guitar hit first?
-Floor (1/5)
-Speaker (4/1)
-Microphone (5/1)
-Drummer (200/1)
-Fan (200/1) (must be human, not mechanical)

"It was research."

Well, if anyone is going to smash a guitar it’ll be Pete Townshend and I’ll bet he’s pretty peeved at Miami for putting out a community-wide advisory that he’s a sexual offender. Better believe he’s going to smoke a fan. Also, that would be awesome to watch.

Toss a few sawbucks on FAN (200/1) for giggles.

So that’s it folks. Good luck – but with these picks, you don’t need luck. Just start planning that dream vacation you’ve always wanted (go ahead and put down a non-refundable deposit – these are LOCKS).

(Disclaimer: Doc Slick Willy The Greek is not a medical doctor, nor is he from Greece, nor is he particularly slick in any way. He accepts no responsibility for monies lost as a result of wagering on the Super Bowl. Please gamble responsibly.)

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2 Responses to “Super Bowl XLIV – Let’s Make Some Money”

  1. Dear Doc Slick Greek Willy,

    I love the call on Carrie, but what about Queen Latifaah? Can she cover the spread? Butter or Margerine, or the long-shot I can’t believe its not hemp butter?

    I am thinking double down on the long shot but cover with butter… am I nuts?

    Thanks,
    Double Mortgage Seeker

    • drawesomeness Says:

      Good question Double Mortgage Seeker. You’re not nuts. But you’d be nuts not to bet on the number of douchebag Colts fans who are going to get their asses kicked in the streets of Miami this weekend (bet on OVER 3912).

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