Archive for January, 2010

This’ll be the Day that I Die: A Review of American Pie 7

Posted in Movie Review with tags , , on January 11, 2010 by drawesomeness

I will always have a soft-spot for the American Pie movies. The first one came out in 1999 and, at the time, it was a welcome change from the relatively tame teen movies of that era. I thought it was hilarious. I’m not convinced all the humour would hold up today – however, I haven’t revisited it since the early 00s (well…I haven’t watched it again in its entirety – I’ll admit I’ve taken a few ganders at the Shannon Elizabeth webcam scene. Thank you Internet!). Since then it has spawned several sequels and countless knockoffs (e.g., see Eurotrip; see also human feces). I watched the first two sequels when they were released and enjoyed them both. For the life of me I cannot remember what happened in American Pie 2 (I only recall that Shannon Elizabeth’s ta-tas were conspicuously absent – that’s just bad casting. If I were the casting director I would have given them top-billing and called it American Pie 2: Nadia’s Breasts).

I do remember Part 3 because instead of calling it “American Wedding” it should have been called “American Stiffler.” That movie was 90 minutes of Sean William Scott spazzing out on screen. I actually thought it was quite funny and the writers really capitalized on the most popular character of the series. However, Part 3 was a huge turning point because several of the original cast bailed. And even though no one was exactly heartbroken that Mena Suvari jumped ship, the writing was on the wall. There would be no way they could sustain the franchise as the more accomplished cast members moved on. Let’s be honest – a few more movies down the line the writers would have been scratching their heads trying to figure out how to write a story with “Kevin” as the centerpiece. Poor Thomas Ian Nicholas! He went on to become arguably the least successful member of the original cast. But really, the dude was totally set-up to fail. He had the unfortunate task of trying to make the audience believe that Tara Reid wouldn’t give up her virginity. Tara Reid! She’s taken in more wieners than a shelter for abused dachshunds. Talk about your impossible roles. There hasn’t been a more challenging role since Carlos Mencia was cast as “Comedian #1” in the film 29 Palms.

Anyways, instead of trying to lure back the cast for huge sums, the producers went the route of direct-to-DVD versions. Clearly, this is the way to make money – take a popular film franchise and a shoestring budget, throw together a B-movie filled with no-name actors, and then profit enormously when hapless idiots in the video store see the words “American Pie” on a DVD cover and decide they HAVE to rent it. How do I know this is a lucrative strategy? Because there isn’t a “Part 7” of anything unless it’s making money. I was surprised to see that they’re up to Part 7 already. I heard that there was a Part 4 but when I found out that it was direct-to-DVD with none of the original cast, I ignored it and said to myself, “Well that’s the end of that.” Then I’m in the video store the other day and I see American Pie 7: The Book of Love. What?! Part 7? When did they make 5 and 6? I HAVE to rent this!

So I rented it. And here is my review (however, I’m already past my word count so I’ll keep this brief).

God help us.

Seriously, if you can take the script of a movie that was made 10 years earlier, switch a couple of words around and change the names of the characters, and pass it off as a completely different movie AND make money off it, may God have mercy on our souls.

That’s what American Pie 7 is. It’s American Pie (the original) with almost nothing changed. So what changed? Well (spoiler alert!), instead of an apple pie, the Jason Biggs-type character fucks a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As far as I can tell, that’s the only change they made. It must be tough to be a writer for these movies. I wonder what a writers meeting would look like…

We descend upon a meeting of writers and producers who are brainstorming for future installments of American Pie.

Studio Head: Alright team, we need some new ideas. As you know, each edition of this beloved franchise hinges on that ever-important scene when the horny teenaged male fucks a piece a food. So, my question to you – what other foods can you fuck?

Malone: A room temperature Pizza Pop!

Studio Head: Great work Malone! We’ve got American Pie 8: Cheese Please.

Parsons: The mouth of an unfinished Jack-O-Lantern.

Studio Head: Yes! American Pie 9: Trick or Treat?

Billings: A taco. A moist, soft, meaty taco.

Studio Head: Uhhhh, we’re getting a little too “on the nose” here fellas. But you’re on the right track Billings. I like your moxie. Next idea?

Garrison: Left-over shanghai noodles. You can have sexual intercourse with a container full of cold shanghai noodles.

Studio Head: Ooooh! A little Asian flavour. Me rikey! Okay, so that’s American Pie 10: The Great Wall of China. What else?

Peterson: A can of wet dog food?

Studio Head: (pauses, takes off glasses, a hush falls over the room) Peterson, get your sorry ass out of my meeting. GET OUT! You sick fuck. Take a week off and get some help. We’re making major motion pictures here, not smut films.

(Peterson cowers out of the room. Someone mentions something about a tube of cookie dough).

End scene.

Yeah, so that’s about it. The kid fucks a peanut butter sandwich instead of a pie. God help us all.

4 out of 5 stars

Blame Pepsi for that Silver Medal

Posted in Hockey with tags , , , , , on January 7, 2010 by drawesomeness

On Wednesday morning, millions of Canadians woke up with a terrible hangover – an anguished realization that their junior team lost to the Americans in the gold medal final. It was a valiant effort and an exciting finish, but it just wasn’t enough. The result ended Team Canada’s run at an unprecedented 6 straight World Junior Hockey Championships. Shit.

They lost to the Americans of all teams! Why couldn’t it be Sweden or Finland? I’ll never complain about losing to the Scandis. But the U.S.?! Argh. It’s like watching the high school jock steal a pretty girl away from a really likable guy she had been dating for 5 years in a row. That jock won’t treat her right! Sure, he’ll be nice to her for a couple of weeks. But then he’ll grow tired of her appreciation of foreign cinema and quirky sense of humor. And then he’ll dump her and forget all about her because he heard through the grapevine that Becky Anderson likes him (and she totally puts out!). Meanwhile, the forlorn likable dude will always love that girl. And he’s going to do everything he can to win her back (probably around January of 2011).

Now, I’m as heartbroken as the next maple syrup-blooded Canuck, but I think we need to take an important lesson from this experience. And the lesson is this: YOU CANNOT MANUFACTURE NATIONAL PRIDE!

I’m talking to you Pepsi. “Eh-Oh-Canada-Go?” What in the holy hell is that?! What do you take us for? Shame on you Pepsi for trying to make us look like a bunch of dim-witted corporate-shilling assholes. And maybe, just maybe, if we, as a nation, weren’t so irritated and distracted by this pathetic excuse for a marketing campaign, we would have cheered just a little bit harder. And that could have made all the difference. Maybe a fraction of a decibel more cheering and clapping would have pushed those boys a little more and they could’ve gotten the job done. Maybe the puck dropped in overtime and there were Pepsi Reps in the stands yelling at the fans, “Okay, everyone together now – Eh-Oh…!” And the fans looked at each other and said, “What the shit is this? We’re in overtime for the gold here. Sit down you Pepsi peon mo-fo!” And in that moment, perhaps there was a brief lull from the stands, and the players thought to themselves, “What happened to the fans? I thought they were behind us.” And that deflated them, and the fire was gone. Truth is, we were there the whole time. It’s Pepsi’s fault. Yes, that’s right – I blame Pepsi for the loss.

I still don’t get it. Cheer Nation? What does that even mean? It’s as bad as “What is G?” – the annoyingly abstruse ad campaign by Gatorade (coincidence that it’s another Pepsico product? I think not!). Really though, what the fuck is G? I believe it to be the seventh letter of the alphabet and an impossible-to-find spot on the female body. Perhaps you have something further to add. Tell us. We didn’t bring it up. You did! Fill us the fuck in. Similarly, you can’t just make up something so ridiculously abstract as “Cheer Nation” and expect it to be blindly co-opted by 30 million people. What would happen if I suddenly started telling people, “Hey guys, I’ve decided that I want you to start calling me ‘Bonfire'”? You want to know what people would start calling me? They’d call me Will. Why? Because that’s my fucking name and unless I start making a habit of burning bales of hay in my front yard, no one will ever call me ‘Bonfire’ or any other nickname that I give myself. That’s not how it works. And that’s why “Cheer Nation” was a colossal fail at the World Juniors in Saskatoon. I wasn’t there, but in each broadcast of the games, not once did I hear that ridiculous chant coming from the stands. Someone correct me if they were at the games and they heard people who were big enough tools to actually fall for this pitiful marketing tactic. But I think it’s safe to say that, as Canadians, we would never be that stupid. Why? Well for one, it’s an embarrassingly lame chant and I think anyone with an ounce of self-respect as a human, regardless of their nationality, wouldn’t be caught dead letting those words escape their mouths. In fact, it’s offensively bad. It’s about as tasteless and unimaginative as a high-school drama class production of an episode of Jersey Shore. It’s the cheer equivalent of proposing marriage at a Red Lobster. I even heard it described as “a tacky and arrogant attempt to sell mediocre cola” by that insufferable, self-unaware woman at work who always tries in vain to get everyone together on Friday afternoons (“We’re all totally going for wings tonight!” “Uhhhh, I’m busy.”).

Secondly, Canadians take their hockey seriously. Our love is built on its traditions and, above all else, the purity of the game. That asinine chant was the biggest “fuck you” to hockey fans since the fuzzy blue puck debacle that American TV execs tried to implement back in the mid 90s. There’s a reason that nonsense didn’t last long. It’s an insult to the beautiful game of hockey. We don’t suggest the Americans should jazz up baseball by adding a slip’n’slide in between 2nd and 3rd base (although I would watch that). Why? Because it’s important to maintain the sanctity of the games. And with Cheer Nation, Pepsi tried to take a steaming hot dump squarely on centre ice. Well guess what Pepsi? We’re going to shovel it up and drop it right back on your unsuspecting chest. I’m never drinking a Pepsi product again. And neither should anyone else who believes in Canada, and hockey, and everything that’s good in the world. I’m dead serious. Never again. No more Pepsi. Get me a Coke. It tastes better anyway.

Eh-Oh-Pepsi-No-Mo.